When family is a curtain-call and everything afterwards
by if-llamas-could-fly
Summary: He's just an angel who's asked too many questions and has forgotten too much. He doesn't really deserve to be forgiven, but somehow, he is. Now the sky is shattering, and he just wants to be a part of his family again.


**A/N So, the first ever story I ever put up on this website was a Cas-centric short fic that was from Sam's POV. After that, I pretty much dropped all my Castiel based stories, and even if I ****_did_**** write one, wouldn't post it. I don't even know why. I mean, I absolutely ****_adore_**** Cas, so my reasoning behind not writing or posting remains unknown to me. Anyway, I was just working on my college applications, when I was just struck by the idea for the first few lines of this fic, and I just thought- ****_Castiel_****. So then I had this thing running around and screaming in my head that it just ****_had_**** to be posted so here I am. Posting. Here. Rather reluctantly. I hope you like it! :) **_~Sammy_

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_**When family is a curtain-call and everything afterwards**_

A charade is meant to be a lie. It's meant to be a pretense. It's meant to be false, so why is this performance feeling so very real?

Why are the scripted lines beginning to feel like they're _his_ thoughts?

When did this play become his life?

He probably could've pinpointed an approximate time. Or maybe, he could've pointed out the exact moment, down to the very second.

It was the first time Dean blurted out a pop-culture reference. The first time Sam smiled at him with nothing but genuine warmth. The first time that Bobby called him an 'idjit'. The first time the other angels said that he'd changed. The first time that he was finally considered a part of that messed up little family.

So maybe this act wasn't an act anymore. Maybe he wished that Dean would keep exasperatedly explaining all the finer points of humanity, even when there was no hope of him understanding. Maybe he wished that Sam would keep praying to him, even when he never answered. Maybe he wished that he could keep calling these brothers his family.

Maybe it was ridiculous for an angel to wish at all.

Maybe, _definitely_, he can't even be called an angel anymore.

Angels are pure, they're impartial, they're _holy_.

Angels are falling.

He's already fallen, too many times.

He's had his 'angel-mojo' slowly fade away, had heaven hold back his powers, had his hell-crazed mind mess up his magic, had his Grace ripped away by force.

He's been human more times than he can count.

He hasn't been a _true_ angel for longer than he can be bothered to recall. He _can't_ even remember all the times he's rebelled. He can feel the memories tugging away at his mind, but he can never grasp them, because they've been taken from him. He's fallen before, he's been fixed before, he's been saved before.

And he has never understood _why_.

Never understood why _he_ is the one to constantly question. Why _he_ is the one to have to forget his every disobedience. Why _he_ is the one to constantly fall. Why _he_ is the one to always be brought back, no matter what.

He's just the angel of Thursday. He's just the angel who's too innocent and naïve. He's just the angel who has too much heart.

So why does God keep saving him?

He's messed up too many times. He's destroyed he world, destroyed heaven, destroyed his _family_ so many times, he doesn't deserve even one more second of forgiveness.

And yet they forgive him.

He's watching his brothers and sisters (not his _family_) fall and lose their Grace, and it's all his fault, and maybe it's better to just stay here, on his knees, in this forest. Maybe some wild animal will chance upon him, and he'll finally be put out of his misery.

Because he's alone, and he's _human_ again.

Yeah, that wild animal is looking more and more like a blessing.

The skies are still burning with falling angels, and he knows that they look like shooting-stars. So he makes a wish. A wish that everything just work out for once. Because his family has been through enough, they've lost enough, and he just wishes that hthey could find a reason to smile.

And then he remembers those times where they _did_ smile, when they'd look up at the stars on those clear nights. But now the stars are falling, so they can't watch them and smile anymore. And if they don't smile, then the world might as well have ended as soon as it was created.

He's only human now. But to them, he's always an angel. He's their hope for something better. And he's what makes them smile.

So he stands up, brushing the dirt off of the coat that had been fixed as many times as he had been, and he took the first step back to Kansas. He took the first step back to his _home_.

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**A/N So... should I have just left this one to rot as well, or should I actually get around to posting more Castiel-based stuff? Leave a review and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading! :) **_~Sammy_


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